DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills are communication and boundary-setting tools taught in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. They help you plan how to ask for what you need, say no and discuss disagreements. The three main frameworks, DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST, focus on your objective, your relationship and your self-respect. They cannot guarantee how another person will respond.
In my clinical practice in London and online across the UK, I work with adults who know what they want to say but struggle to say it during a difficult conversation. Interpersonal effectiveness is one of the four DBT skills modules. It offers ways to prepare for these conversations and practise them.
Why Communication Breaks Down When Emotions Run High
You might find it easy to speak openly in some situations and much harder when you feel criticised or fear rejection. You may agree to something you do not want, apologise repeatedly, become angry or stop talking. These responses can make it harder to explain what you need.
The interpersonal skills described in Linehan’s DBT Skills Training Manual (2015) provide a structure for making requests and responding to disagreement. You can write down a request and rehearse it before the conversation.
The Three Priorities in Every Difficult Conversation
Before choosing a skill, DBT asks you to clarify what matters most in this specific interaction:
| Priority | Clinical Question to Ask Yourself | Core DBT Skill Set |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Objective Effectiveness | What specific outcome do I want? (Asking for a change, saying no, or resolving a practical issue). | DEAR MAN |
| 2. Relationship Effectiveness | How do I want the other person to feel about me and our relationship afterwards? | GIVE |
| 3. Self-Respect Effectiveness | How do I want to feel about myself tomorrow? Did I honour my values and tell the truth? | FAST |
These priorities can conflict. For example, you might decide that keeping a particular boundary matters more than getting the other person to agree with you.
DEAR MAN: How to Ask for What You Need or Say No Clearly
DEAR MAN focuses on asking for something or saying no. The first four letters (DEAR) describe what to say. The last three (MAN) describe how to stay focused, speak confidently and negotiate.
| Letter | Skill | What It Means in Practice | Real-World Example |
|---|---|---|---|
| D | Describe | State concrete facts without mind-reading or words like always and never. | “Over the past two weeks, we have discussed work plans late in the evening on four nights.” |
| E | Express | Share your feelings using I statements rather than blaming. | “When we talk about logistics right before bed, I feel wired and struggle to sleep.” |
| A | Assert | Ask clearly and specifically for what you want, or say a clear no. | “Would you be willing to talk through the week’s schedule before 8pm instead?” |
| R | Reinforce | Name the benefit for the other person or the relationship if they agree. | “I will have much more energy and attention for the conversation earlier in the evening.” |
| M | Mindful | Keep your focus on your objective using the broken record technique and ignoring side-tracks. | “I hear that today was stressful, and I would still like us to check the calendar before 8pm tomorrow.” |
| A | Appear confident | Practise stating your request clearly, even if you feel nervous. | Rehearse the sentence aloud at a pace that lets the other person follow it. |
| N | Negotiate | Be willing to find middle ground or ask how the other person would solve the problem. | “If 8pm is too early on Tuesdays, could we agree on 8.30pm for fifteen minutes?” |
In one-to-one therapy, we can write a DEAR MAN script together. Starting with the Describe and Assert lines helps you identify the facts and the request you want to make.
GIVE: Protecting the Relationship During Conflict
GIVE focuses on how you treat the other person during the conversation. Being Gentle means avoiding threats, insults and sarcasm. Acting Interested means listening and asking about their point of view, even when you disagree.
Validation means acknowledging the other person’s feelings or perspective without necessarily agreeing with their conclusion. For example: “I can see why taking on another task feels overwhelming right now.” An Easy manner means using an approachable tone where that fits the situation. Neither skill guarantees that the other person will become less defensive.
FAST: Maintaining Your Self-Respect and Boundaries
FAST focuses on self-respect. It can be useful when you are deciding whether to agree to a request or how to state a limit:
| Letter | Skill | How It Protects Self-Respect |
|---|---|---|
| F | be Fair | Be fair to both the other person and yourself; your limits matter as much as theirs. |
| A | no Apologies | Avoid unnecessary apologies for reasonable needs or opinions. This does not mean refusing to apologise when you have caused harm. |
| S | Stick to values | Consider which values matter to you when deciding what to agree to. |
| T | be Truthful | Be honest about what you can and cannot do without inventing excuses or exaggerating helplessness. |
How Interpersonal Effectiveness Connects to the Other DBT Modules
If you feel too upset to discuss an issue, you may need to pause before trying to explain your request. DBT distress tolerance skills, such as STOP, offer ways to pause before acting impulsively. There is no single sequence you must follow for every conversation.
DBT emotion regulation skills, including Check the Facts, can also help you examine what happened and how you interpreted it. You can then consider what you want to ask for, how to treat the other person and which limits matter to you.
Clinical Applications: BPD, ADHD/AuDHD, and Couples Conflict
A systematic review by Valentine and colleagues (2015) found preliminary evidence for DBT skills training used on its own, but study limitations prevented firm conclusions about its effectiveness. That review does not establish that DEAR MAN, GIVE or FAST alone will reduce conflict. NICE guideline CG78 recommends considering comprehensive DBT for women with borderline personality disorder when reducing recurrent self-harm is a priority. This is a different treatment format from the one-to-one DBT-informed work described here. You can read more on my BPD therapy in London page.
If you find it hard to pause during disagreements, we can practise preparing a request in advance and using it in a role-play. You can read about DBT for ADHD in London. The choice of skills depends on your needs and preferences; the same approach will not suit everyone with ADHD or AuDHD. When both partners want to discuss recurring arguments, couples therapy and relationship counselling may provide a setting to work on those patterns together.
Practising Interpersonal Skills in One-to-One Therapy
Stating a limit when someone is disappointed can take practice. In one-to-one DBT-informed therapy in London and across the UK, we can rehearse an upcoming conversation and review how it went afterwards.
Kind Soul Psych provides planned, one-to-one DBT-informed psychotherapy, not a comprehensive DBT programme (which includes a weekly skills group, between-session phone coaching, and a consultation team) and not crisis care. In our 50-minute weekly sessions, we script upcoming conversations, role-play responses to pushback, and review what happened during the week without judgement.
I offer sessions in person at 96 Harley Street (W1G 7HY) and 335 City Road in Angel (EC1V 1LJ), and online via secure video across the UK. Individual 50-minute DBT-informed therapy sessions start from £225, beginning with a free 20-minute initial consultation. You can ask about a free 20-minute consultation.
Kind Soul Psych does not provide emergency cover. If someone’s life is at risk or you cannot keep yourself or someone else safe, call 999 or go to A&E. For urgent mental health help in England, call NHS 111 and select the mental health option; see the NHS guidance on urgent mental health support. For free listening support, you can call Samaritans on 116 123.
Reviewed by Sabbir Ahmed, UKCP-registered psychotherapist (Reg. No. 2011164676) and EMCC-accredited therapeutic coach. This article is educational and does not establish a therapist-client relationship.
Ready to talk it through?
If anything here resonated, you don’t have to work through it alone. Book a free, no-obligation 20-minute discovery call with Sabbir Ahmed, UKCP-registered psychotherapist and EMCC-accredited coach, to talk through where you are and find the right way forward.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST in DBT?
DEAR MAN focuses on asking clearly for what you want or saying no. GIVE focuses on treating the other person with interest, gentleness and validation. FAST focuses on fairness, appropriate apologies, your values and honesty. These are priorities to consider, rather than guarantees about the outcome of a conversation.
How do I use DEAR MAN if the other person gets defensive or changes the subject?
The M in DEAR MAN means staying mindful of your objective. You can acknowledge the other person’s frustration and repeat your request without arguing about every side issue. If the conversation is too heated, consider pausing and agreeing when to return to it. Do not continue a conversation if doing so feels unsafe.
Why is FAST so important for people with ADHD, AuDHD, or rejection sensitivity?
FAST may be useful if you often apologise for reasonable needs or agree to requests you do not want to accept. It prompts you to consider fairness to yourself and others, your values and honest communication. Its usefulness depends on your situation, rather than a diagnosis alone.
Does using DEAR MAN guarantee that the other person will say yes?
No. Another person may decline even a clear, reasonable request. The aim is to communicate what you need while considering the relationship and your self-respect. DEAR MAN cannot guarantee agreement or a particular emotional outcome.
References
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. guilford.com
- Valentine, S. E., et al. (2015). The use of dialectical behavior therapy skills training as stand-alone treatment: A systematic review. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 71(1), 1-20. doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22114
- National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE). (2009). Borderline personality disorder: recognition and management (CG78). nice.org.uk/guidance/cg78